Swirling Emotions

I am sitting here, alone. When I have a quiet moment I realize the swirling of emotions running thru me. Sadness is the top one right now, well that and hunger. Anxiousness is a close second with excitement following. This whole process throws you in so many directions emotionally there are some days I can't believe I have my wits. I mean my life just got flipped around again just three short months ago.

I do have to attest to finding strength in my partner. This move is something we have talked about for some time now, this was not just an overnight decision. We talk about everything. Its really an amazing thing. Its the air bag that catches you before you feel like your going to hit the ground. We go back and forth on who has to be the rock that day. More recently there are days when we both need it and I think thats when you just learn to work together and get the job done.

Jackson is amazing. Ahh that little boy, steals my heart some days. He is three months old now and leaving the newborn stage behind. He is alert and funny. He loves to smile back at me, with his big gummy smile. He has been grumpy the last week, its probably a million things as to why but give it another week or so and he will change.

Funny how I am acting with this baby. I just really love each stage for where its at. I know it is so short lived. Having Jackson, we are just more in the moment. I can't say that we were not with Addison, uh please. I have a picture of her almost every day on her life! But moreso in that I know whats coming, I have seen it first hand and know it goes so quickly.

Addison is OH SO AMAZING. This girl, I mean, I can't. What! How did she get to be a person, with thoughts and decisions of her own. She is no longer a toddler, babbling about. She is two and a half, she will tell you herself.  She's strong willed and beautiful. I catch myself staring at her, I am in awe of her. She is so big, her hair is so curly and snarly. Her eyelashes are dark and long and her eyes. They pull me in. When we stare into each others eyes I always tell her how beautiful they are, they have changed over the last six months. They are a green/hazel, perfect mix of Daniels and mine. There are days she says and does things that just make me so proud. She is still amazing with her brother, and my little lunch date, workout partner and mini-me.

Then I think about how all that really matters is us. That I can love this little growing family of mine anywhere. Sure I will miss my dear friends. Those who have lasted thru the shaking of life, the ones who have hung on, and the ones who own a piece of my heart. And there lies my sadness.

Dear Lord I am thankful, help us through this process

I am so thankful for the people in my life, serious. I don't know what I would do. I have a wicked headache right now. It could be the heat or it could be the housing situation. It could be that my baby was screaming before he finally fell asleep. It could be that I have cried more in the last week then I have since having Jackson. 

There are so many things I believe in, being a good person and trusting in my journey here. This process is pushing every boundary. I have so much to offer and I hope that when we get to our new home I hope that someone sees that as well. I am so freaking nervous about how things will work out. Its taking a toll of the both of us. Sleeping has been less and less the last week. This shit is so emotional. This house has brought so many good things to us. We recieved an offer on the house last night, so we are going thru the process in which it will no longer be ours. Its sad. We have put so much work, sweat and tears into this home. It will forever have a special place in my heart. Its charming and something that we have morphed from a dingy house to a warm inviting home. 

But our next chapter is beginning. It has some really great perks. The house we will get will be bigger and a house that we will really raise our children in. We will dig our heels in and grow roots. We won't have to deal with so much snow and cold weather. 

I tell my girl all the time how strong she is, I am telling myself the same thing. 

This is just crazy. Cray cray. 

This time in our lives

...its hectic, stressful, emotional, taxing, tiring.

Jackson Daniel is 10 weeks old and its flying by. I find it hard to believe how big he is already. He is smiling and cooing and turning into a baby, no longer a newborn. I am so thankful that I get to spend each day with him to watch him grow during this process.

Today is an open house for our home. Hubs is stressed, unlike I have ever seen him. Our house is immaculate and its hard for Addie because we keep telling her not to touch anything. Baby girl has been glued to the Ipad for days. This process is not for the faint of heart. We are moving our whole lives hours away. There will be strangers walking through my home without me here. But its not my home anymore. I have to emotionally detach from it even though we have spent the last month putting the finishing touches on things.

I don't have anything else to do right now, the house is clean. Jackson is sleeping on me and Addie is watching TV. I can't cook as that will make a mess. I can't do laundry as it is supposed to look as if we don't live here. Plus Jackson does not have a dresser so the poor guys clothes are everywhere but his room. So I have a moment to get my thoughts out. I have to be the strong one right now, the one who has it all together because this process is eating Dan alive. I swear there will be a gray hair found once we get to Georgia.

The thought of a newer home, a more spacious home we can grow into is exciting. But this means its our home for a good chunk of time. Thats daunting. How are the schools? How is the kitchen? Is there room for a teenage hangout? Where can we put the hot tub?!

I have to start a new life down there. I have to get a new job, meet new friends, start new routines. I feel like I was just getting all that situated here. I am going to miss my friends dearly. Really, it makes my heart hurt. I know its the right time to do this, the universe and God made things happen to get us here. Its just a lot. Its one of those instances in life that challenges you on so many levels. I am thankful that my kids are young and that Addie won't really know because it would break my heart to take her away from her friends. I am sad about leaving her first friend but can envision summers where the girls visit each other and that they can become good old-fashioned pen pals. It saddens me that my in-laws won't know Jackson like they know Addie.

This pulls on every emotion. We are waiting, I feel like that page in 'Oh the Places You'll Go'...

Waiting for the house to sell
Waiting for a house to buy
Waiting for the day to move
Waiting for the job to come

Dear baby,

Dear baby, 

It is almost time for you to enter the world and for the two of us to become separate people. As you can imagine I have many emotions running through my body thinking about how our lives will be blessed in one short week. We talk a lot about you nowadays. It is not the easiest of concepts for Addie to understand but she surely knows that you are in my belly. My body has grown very much in the last few months, its pretty impossible to not notice, even for your two year old sister.

Your dad and I have been preparing for you by getting the house all ready for about the last month. Up until that point we knew you were coming but it seemed like it was still far enough away and Addie keeps us pretty busy. Your room is ready, sort of. Really the crib is set up and Addison has been moved to another room. I have left most of it the same and will make it yours when we know if you are a girl or boy. 

All that we have done since knowing and wanting children has been for you too. The was we love each other allows us to incorporate you and the way we run our family is waiting for you too. Who knows what the future holds for us, there may be other members of our family to come or you may complete us, but know that you have always been with us. You father will amaze you, he has such a kind heart and I fall more in love with him watching him with your sister. Addie is going to be such a good big sister, she can be bossy at times and I am sure you two may disagree but the bond between you two will be everlasting. 

Speaking of not knowing your gender, we are so very ready to meet you. Its more than just getting the information at this point of who you are but moreso seeing your beautiful face and meeting you as a person. Having known with Addie we were excited to see her and interested to know just how big she was. You child have been so very kind to your mother thus far. You are a bigger baby but I think we may just make nice healthy babies. This pregnancy has been so easy, granted I had my share of sickness and aches but all in all, I will miss you. As I mentioned before its been so different from Addison. I am cherishing these last moments with you, I love to feel you wake in the mornings. I can tell your asleep because your heavy on one side of my stomach. I can feel your back and give your some rubs to wake you. I also love when I eat and shortly thereafter you start dancing as you have just received some nutrients. Sleep has becoming non-existent but I look forward to having you to care for, over watching reruns of television at 3 a.m. I cannot complain about my size, its just as big as you need it and kiddo I know it could be bigger so thanks for not taking up ALL the room. 

Your sister and I have been blessed to have the last two months to really bond and for us to get closer. Really it was more for me as I will have these memories forever. I look forward to her meeting you, my heart will double in size in a matter of seconds. There is a part of me that wants to fast forward the next seven days and another part that wants them to slow down. Its such a struggle, being patient and  waiting versus anxiously hoping for another day. 

As I lay my head down tonight I will hold my belly a little tighter. I will embrace your kicks and nudges a little more. We have one week until you enter the world and I so very much look forward to that moment. I have loved you before I knew you and will love you until the end of time. 

Love Always and Forever, 

Mom

Busy little bees

We'll it's Sunday morning and I am writing this post in bed on. My fancy new iPad that was a birthday present to me! Last week was my birthday and I was for sure spoiled. In a good way, in a way that any 9 month pregnant woman really should be because frankly it's been a while since I could put on my pants without issues or have had a decent nights sleep. Thanks to my awesome Christmas present the fitbit I really do know how much sleep I am not getting. The birthday events started in Sunday when hubs let me nap, like a three hour uninterupted amaze balls legit sleep. I was so thankful. 

Monday morning I was woken up by serenades of Happy Birthday and a present to open. Perfect way to start the day! Then it was business as usual for Addie and myself, breakfast, playtime, nap time, wait for daddy to get home. That evening we went to my in-laws for dinner and got some foryo afterwards. There are some days that I just don't feel like froyo but it tasted very delicious that day. When we got home it was close to Addie's bedtime so I opened her present to me and it was a prenatal massage. Ahh! All I wanted!!! It came from both my babies and I am so excited. It has been scheduled for this Friday after my last pregnant lunch date with my husband. Daniel had me open my card from him which was beautiful, that mans really knows how to pick a good card. It's a hobby for him, and he is really good at it! He got us two tickets to a wine making class about a month after the baby is born,  I mean who doesn't love wine especially after being pregnant! We ended the day in usual fashion by TV time and then I attempted to sleep. 

Later that week I had a mom date with a really really good friend and we went to the melting pot. I had never been there and it was so good. Delicious, I ate my face off. It was a great evening of no kiddos and great conversation. I completely enjoy when my friends just pick up where we left off, I have not been the greatest on keeping up with all of them and I will try to be better, it's just really nice when there no hard feelings about being absent. 

Well I believe I have run out of uninterupted typing time as someone things it's funny to try to hit all the buttons. We have 9 days until this baby is coming out. We are tackling the kitchen, laundry and straightening downstairs today.  Also going to take full advantage of this nice day... Finally... To take some maternity pictures. So another busy day! Off we go! 

Two weeks!

Holy Cow. I can believe it and can't at the same time. Our baby is coming soon! and with this baby we get to find out the gender. It is getting to be so exciting I feel like its Christmas but bigger. This past Christmas I was so excited because Addie really was excited and understood more of the process this year but this baby coming into the world is 2x that feeling.

This pregnancy has been so good, really SO good. Easy from the start, a few days where I didn't feel so hot but I will take it. Baby has been sitting lower so I haven't had the breathing issues and feeling that my muscles were being ripped apart. Plus having another child to care for while being pregnant makes the days go so fast I get whiplash. My tummy is getting to the really big stage which just makes it heavy and hard to sleep but I don't want to wish this time away. This will be it for a while so I want to embrace these last few weeks of kicking and growing my baby.

I was spoiled rotten yesterday for my birthday. Seriously the hubs knows how to treat a girl right! First thing in the morning I got to open my new iPad, I was there at the purchasing of said item so I had a good idea it was coming. Then after dinner and Froyo I got two dates, one for a prenatal massage from my babies the Friday before the delivery and a wine making class with my love a month after the baby is born. Both awesome amazing gifts! I feel so blessed and lucky. Although there can be tough days and some things don't go my way all in all this life we have is pretty great.

For now I have to get some more things done around the house and I plan on taking Addie for a walk to Wegmans later to grab some stuff and to the park. Poor girl has been begging to go for a while now. Looks like we might have a good enough day to go... finally!

Lets tackle this list!

Two weeks from today, our life changes.

Anxious, Excited, Exhausted...

Here we are 22 days away from meeting this new baby and let me tell you, I feel less than ready. I know we have everything and if baby came tomorrow no big deal. Seriously, it really would not be an issue. I could care less about the status of my house, slight lie. I do care that there are hair balls the size of Texas everywhere and that Addie's play area is ALL OVER the house, not just contained in her area. That my kitchen floor needs a good scrub or that my bathrooms need cleaning. But I also don't, come over one and all. I know you all love me and care for me and can look past the dirt and grime. And if anyone is offering come on over with some rubber gloves :)

Today was a great day in terms of getting stuff ready. A good friend of mine, and freaking Guardian angel came over today and helped me get food ready for when the baby comes. We made lasagna, enchiladas, skillet meals, baked ziti, meatloaf and chili. My body is tired! It was so good to get it done though. We eat pretty healthy and I want to continue with this lifestyle even when I won't be able to prepare and cook in the weeks following my c-section and life with a newborn. I feel like at least I have one thing prepared.

I have been starting to 'feel' pregnant lately. Sleep has been harder the last month or so and I have pains that come and go. But seriously being this close to the end and feeling the way I do, I feel great. I have felt great the whole time. The doctor told me I have to take it easy though, I was told I am not on bed rest but I was told multiple times before leaving the office that I needed to take it easy. My blood pressure was slightly elevated and I had proteins in my urine. SO my body just needs a little down time. --HA-- thats kinda funny though knowing I have zero time and a two year old but sure I will take it easy.

Daniel and I have been watching a bunch of movies lately and last night we watched About Time. I swear, I cried through almost the whole movie. Being preggo and emotional this movie made the water works start and I couldn't stop. It was a wonderful movie that went thru the gamut of life, from new babies to loosing family members. It was a great movie that makes you think about life and truly how wonderful it is. I just couldn't stop crying. I can't wait to see this baby, I can't wait to welcome a new member to our family.

I have so many emotions - anxious, excited, exhausted...

Here is to the next three weeks before our life changes!